Relationship 101:Dealing with a cheating partner

Hi lovely friends,

The issue of infidelity in relationships is very contemporary, no matter how much we want to ignore the elephant in the room it's still sitting right there staring at us. 

On the other hand, it doesn't mean we should go around chanting the "all men cheat" mantra(which is indeed relative anyway). I personally don't believe that all men cheat(shoot me)

Be that as it may, relationships still suffer infidelity. When a woman cheats, it's a NO NO, relationship over! But when a man cheats forgiveness is supposed to come naturally. *eyesrolling

Well, i'm not sexiest, i'm just here to offer a little help.

If you've recently discovered your spouse was unfaithful, your head is probably spinning. To help you handle the initial shock and avoid an anxiety-induced meltdown, I've put together six survival strategies for dealing with a cheater...

(Ideas are drawn from argument and affairs expert Sharon Rivkin, author of Breaking the Argument Cycle: How to Stop Fighting Without Therapy.)

Take deep breaths

Finding out that your partner has cheated can be a serious shock, especially if you didn't suspect or see it coming. Ward off panic by taking some really deep breaths, Rivkin advises. This may seem like an overly simplistic first step, but it's an extremely effective way to help shift from panic mode to functionality. Unless you breathe deeply, you're going to continually feed your panic and it will be much harder to calm down. "When you're not breathing deeply, your brain is deprived of oxygen and your body tenses, feeding the cycle," she explains. "The probability of making bad decisions increases."

Confront the cheater

Depending on how you found out, you need to confront the cheater. Sitting on the information isn't going to make you feel any better, but how you choose to deal with the betrayal is an individual decision. Who you are, how you found out, what your relationship is like with your partner, how much shock you're in, etc., will all be factors that lead you to decide what you want to do right after you've found out that your partner is cheating, explains Rivkin. "Your whole world has fallen apart, similar to experiencing an earthquake or natural disaster, so do what your instincts dictate," she says. "Do not judge or be hard on yourself for whatever you choose to do."

Think about logistics

Even though you're in the midst of a relationship crisis, life still goes on. Things need to get done (going to work, getting the kids to school, chores), but it can all feel like a huge task. "Nothing comes easily right now," Rivkin says. Feeling overwhelmed is normal, but don't let that feeling overtake your day-to-day life, especially if you have kids.

• If you have kids, and if they see you crying and/or fighting, let them know immediately that it has nothing to do with them.
• If you feel immobilized and simply can't drive your kids to school and/or their activities, make arrangements for them until you feel you are okay to drive.

"Remember, you're in crisis mode, so be kind to yourself by getting some temporary help with basic functioning," says Rivkin"

Create a support team

Because of the deep damage to trust that this kind of betrayal brings, it's important that, if you can afford it, you find a good therapist and get help as soon as possible. "I've discovered that the couples who seek help the quickest after an affair have the best recovery results," Rivkin says. Good therapy can help a couple determine their direction (to stay or go) and whether trust can be rebuilt or not. In addition to seeking professional help, creating your support team will be a huge help. "Your team and connections will help you survive and recover from the affair quicker," she explains. "Carefully assess your relationships with others to figure out who you think will be the most understanding, nonjudgmental and supportive person."

Ask questions

After you've confronted your partner about the affair, tons of questions will flood your mind (Why didn't I know? Why didn't I trust my intuition? Why did this happen?). It's through asking questions and feeling all your feelings that the healing starts, Rivkin says. "The questions and their answers are the first step to piecing together what happened to your relationship." It's important to look at the history and the patterns of your relationship and begin to understand where the breach of trusting each other really started.

Create a plan of no action

Most people usually have the tendency to want to take some kind of action right after discovering a cheating partner. It may help for the moment, but because you're in crisis, your judgment can be impaired, so it's wise not to make any big decisions at this time, Rivkin explains. Instead, make the smaller decisions first: Get a therapist, read a book, talk to your support system, do some writing and do some talking with your partner. "You will ultimately have some major decisions to make as to what direction you want your relationship to go, but these decisions will be made with time and clarity," she says. So for now, don't make any major decisions.

If you're the one that had the affair, here is what Dr Phil says...

Own the problems that you created by having an affair. You cannot change what you don't acknowledge.

It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. That is a ridiculous comparison.

In order to resolve your relationship, contact with "the other person" must be cut off 100 percent. You can't work on dealing with the consequences of the affair while you're still having it.

Don't rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do.

Ask yourself: What are you doing to help your partner get past the affair?

Help the partner who did not have the affair find emotional closure. You must do whatever it takes until your partner finds it. If it requires you to check in with your spouse multiple times a day, then do it. It'll require you being where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, so your spouse can trust you again. And you do it until. 

Want to know if something is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing there, it's cheating.

Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Figure out what you want and behave your way to success.

So you've decided to stay in the relationship? Great! That's very brave. I pray for grace to help you get past the event.

Best of luck!