By Cyndi Dale and Andrew Wald, adapted from their new book, "Togetherness"
Do you have a pattern of short-lived, unsatisfying relationships? Do
you stay at home alone on the weekends because it feels safer and easier
than dating or “putting yourself out there”? Are you simply resigned to
being single?
These are all signs that you may need to boost your TQ: Togetherness
Quotient. That’s the term we coined for the mix of behaviors and
attitudes that determine how easily one forms healthy, intimate
relationships.
The good news is that TQ, unlike IQ, is not something we’re stuck
with. Our ability to love deeply and intimately is based on what we’ve
learned from a lifetime of relationships and experiences, starting at
birth. However, as adults we have the opportunity to remove barriers to
self-love and love of others, thus boosting our TQ. Here are seven ways
to do this:
Practice relationships.
Love won’t come knocking
at your door. You have to get out there and practice talking, sharing,
laughing, and socializing. Join a group: for instance, a gardening,
hiking, Bible study, or book group. The first step toward finding love
is to make friends and learn how to get close to them. You have to get
out in the world.
Accept yourself.
We can’t master togetherness in a
love relationship until we accept ourselves. Think about what you like
about yourself, and embrace that self-definition. Forgive yourself for
all the acts you committed in the past that you’re ashamed, after you’ve
done what you can to make things right if you’ve harmed someone. Work
on believing in yourself — you’re worthy of being loved!
Be brave.
One of the great obstacles to finding
love is fear of intimacy. But what’s behind that fear: that if you share
your real self with another person he or she won’t like you? Who cares?
If that happens, then it’s not a good fit anyway and you should move
on. You won’t experience the profound joy of togetherness until you have
the courage to let someone get to know you.
Untangle yourself from the past.
No matter how
bad your past relationships were, or how deeply your heart was broken,
you can take comfort in knowing that those relationships were in the
past. Today everything can be different. Learn from these life lessons
so you can choose a different person, change your pattern, and start
fresh — from this moment forward. Expect a better outcome this time
around.
Create a healthy boundary of self.
Togetherness
means caring for and honoring ourselves first. Engage in activities that
soothe you, delight you, or excite you. If you love life because you’re
living the way you want to live, you will be very attractive to another
person.
Prepare to be surprised.
One of the best ways to
find love is to clean out the assumptions and biases in your mind that
keep you from seeing who’s right in front of you. When you hear yourself
saying, “I’ll never like such and such…” that’s the sign of a closed
mind and heart. Once you open your mind, you invite serendipity and
unexpected encounters into your life.
Let dream meet vision.
When it comes to romantic
love, what’s the dream you’ve carried throughout your life? What have
you most wanted to experience and share with another person? This dream
of togetherness is an essential part of you. Envision yourself
manifesting your dream and finding the right partner. Doing so on a
regular basis can help you meet this very person and create
togetherness.
___________________________Cyndi Dale is an award-winning author and an internationally esteemed teacher and energy healer. Andrew Wald LCSW-C is a full-time psychotherapist. They are co-authors of the new book, Togetherness: Creating & Deepening Sustainable Love.
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