Here are some of the downsides of secrets:
1. Secrets put you on edge.
When you keep a secret, you naturally try to push it out of your mind so that you don’t reveal all at exactly the wrong time. The problem is that it only makes you think about it more. Remember the scene in Inception where Arthur (Joseph Gordon Levitt) says, “Don’t think about elephants. What are you thinking about?” “Elephants,” Saito replies. Landmark research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found it’s true. In the study, people instructed not to think about a white bear couldn’t keep the bear out of their minds. People with unpleasant intrusive thoughts are more prone to symptoms of anxiety. Thought suppression is also believed to contribute to post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
2. Secrets distract you.
Secrets are the office equivalent of a buzzing light or a hacking coworker. University of Virginia students who were told to keep a specific a secret completed a computer test slower than their peers. Why? Actively withholding information is distracting, researchers explain.
3. Secrets hurt your health.
People who keep mum about disturbing experiences, like traumas, are more likely to experience health problems. For example, one classic study found that Holocaust survivors who were more open in an interview about their experiences had better health 14 months later compared to people who were more reserved. Another study found that HIV-positive men who concealed their homosexuality died earlier than men who were open about it.
We all hide things, though—so are we all doomed? Not at all. To say all secrets are bad would be too simplistic. Definitely, some things need to be kept private.
How do you know if you need to confess or if it’s better to stay silent? Follow these guidelines.
COME CLEAN IF:
Someone asks you outright. Where keeping a secret becomes a huge problem is when you start lying about it. Lying makes the error vastly worse. That not only breaks the trust, but shatters it. Once you’ve lied, they'll always wonder if you’re lying again.
The situation isn’t bad yet. There’s a big difference between saying, “I’m sorry, but I spent 200k from our account without asking you,” and saying, “We are broke, we need to sell the car” The sooner you come clean, the better.
It’s driving you crazy. You might feel tense or anxious around someone if you’re worried they might find out a big secret. Now that person isn’t someone you open up to, it’s someone you have to fend off on some level. That can cause a real rift in the relationship.
KEEP QUIET IF:
You’re only waiting a few days. Say your wife had a bad day at work—it’s OK to tell her tomorrow that your company is forgoing pay raises this year. You’ll be able to have a less stressful, more productive conversation about finances when you’re both clear-headed.
It’s not your secret to tell. Men are great at this one: Because they don’t want to shame other people, they'll keep another person’s secret to the death.
You’re not that close to whoever’s asking. There are some things your acquaintances and coworkers don’t need to know. Avoid the subject. Or just say, “Eh, it’s complicated. Hey, did you see Tonto Dike's recent pictures?” :)
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